有事没事的时候，在床上休息时，在厕所上大号时，或者走路回家，看电视，吃饭⋯⋯都会想。几时放几时收，几时开口几时闭口。 几时坐几时站，做人就是那么烦，做什么时都必须想。能想并非是件坏事，也不见得是好事⋯⋯在我身边便有几位因想太多而便得有点不可思议，所讲的话和做的事都惹人讨厌。令人刮目相看。之前认识的人跑到哪了？被自己想像中的恶魔吞食了吗？还是在自己的脑海里迷失了方向而做出不可理喻的行为？我也不大清楚，好久好久以前我已决定不让这些烦人的七情六欲和无聊的感触阻碍我活个精彩的生活。到了这一刻，人生也还不能算是精彩吧，但还不赖。
对于熟人事一套，对于陌生的，又是另一套。自己又如何来应付陌生人的咿咿呀呀呢？当成耳边风吗？还是把些不顺耳的话听进去，把它转为推动力来激发自己之前还没发现的力量呢？我最近面对了一个难题。有点不知所措，有点沮丧，也有点对失去了自信。想啊想，也不知要等到几是，等到多少个春天后的努力奋斗才会感觉到成功，胜利。时机到了，之前所定下的目标达到了，又对谁有好处呢？自己看到，感受到的，别人会刮目相看吗？还是带回之前的有色眼镜？人生中的也许也许让我们想到脑儿都暴了还是会永远想不通下一步会发生什么事。什么人会说什么事。别人会把塌下来的天空当被盖，我呢，有可能会痴痴地站在那被压死。 死了后还不知死因是什么 哈哈！
如果还剩一口气的话，应该就会省下来告诉身边的人一声 “谢谢⋯⋯再见“
在这当儿，就鼓起勇气勇敢地走下去吧。身旁有没有个人陪伴着，眼前有没有双手带领着也不重要。自己走得高兴就行了！
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
We're never satisfied
The never ending search for that one thing.
Until then, everyone will just be grumpy and grouchy over the status quo.
Good night and good bye weekend. Cya next week.
Until then, everyone will just be grumpy and grouchy over the status quo.
Good night and good bye weekend. Cya next week.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
the many different sides..
Who do you see when you look into any reflective surfaces? Many times, of course yourself but do you ever find that at different times of the day you actually don't look like you? Perhaps the hair is parted differently, or your eyes seemed a little more puffed than 5 hours ago? Maybe it was the itch that left your left ear slightly red from the scratch..
For me, I see a different side of me each day. The stereotyped "can't be bothered" Desmond, the "I am tired and need to rest" Desmond, the "what am I doing here" Desmond... the list goes on. Similarly in life, the people in our lives are mirrors, or at least, reflective surfaces. They see a bit of us, perhaps only a side or two... some privileged ones see a few more sides, the "morning-oh-so-ugly" side, the "I-go-crazy-at-the-club" side and perhaps, the "I-am-upset-and-emo" side... same, the list goes on. What I'm trying to say here is, it's all these small small bits and pieces of life that make us US. When people ask for a self-introduction, how do we, and what do we tell them? What constitutes us? I'm not too sure myself as if I tell them I'm a reserved, quiet and down to earth person, I cannot forget that at times, I get so loud and unbashful about things in life. If I say that I'm loud and the joker-wanna-be, I cannot ignore the passive and can't be bothered me.
Myself, as a mirror of others, I see bits and pieces of my friends, of my siblings, my parents... and last night. I saw someone in my dream that sadly, I could not see again.
I don't know what led to me having such a dream, a good, and yet bad dream all in the same stride. Couldn't recall the beginning of the dream, but the main event that took place in it was the death of my paternal grandma. I've never seen my grandpas before. Both of them passed away before I was born. My maternal granny passed away 19 years ago. I was P1 then. I had vague memories of her... but I knew she doted on me. My paternal granny on the other hand, passed away 15 years ago. I was 11 then. I knew more, had more time with her, shared more memories with her... the new years that we spend visiting her at my uncle's place, and seeing her aging and becoming more frail as the years go by and as her grand children growing up and finding their place in the world... it did not occur to me that she will leave. Then again, she moved on. I was depressed. Yet at the same time, I treasured the time at the funeral. It was a family gathering. A time where my cousins and I ate together, prayed together, and even played together.
15 years have passed and I'ven't had anything that remind me of my maternal granny. Last time, I revisited the scene. This time, she passed away again. This time, I'm not longer 11 but 26 instead. I am sure she would be proud that I am finally a local University Graduate. I remember saying to my parents during the funeral, looking through the obituary and my relatives' names... running my tiny finger down the list and saying..."no ... no.... no .... Mummy, all of them never graduate from local university".. I want to be the one who make you proud. The one who will make us, as a family proud, that we have three local graduates of the Ee Family. My granny would be proud of me to know that I made it. Maybe that was why she resurfaced in my memory. When she last saw me, I was nothing more than a pre-teen. Someone unaware of how the world out there revolves... This time round, I'm half an adult, stepping into the world. I don't know much about her, and she didn't know much about me. We never had much chances of interacting anymore. But somehow, I know, she feels my joy, my relief, my pride and all that came along with my commencement. I know my parents feel the same. I know my siblings feel the same too.
Thus, it really didn't matter to me that my friends were not there. Somehow, I knew that it was the highlight of the day. It was about them being there. It was my day. A day I begin to really look back at what brought me thus far and what drives me to go further. They say the end point doesn't matter, but the journey. I took wrong turns and wasted time en route. I gained, and I lost. In the end, I got here. People may not be there anymore, but it's the memories that stay. It's the memories of them that you retain and recreate that make them there again.
I teared in my dreams, I felt the sadness of 15 years ago. This time, it was worse. I woke up, let my tears flowed off my cheeks onto my pillow, and another stream. Might as well let it all go while I was given the chance. Wondered why this happened at this time when I really haven't been thinking about things like that. Nothing in particular sparked off such thoughts and definitely nothing in particular drew back memories of my granny. Until my commencement perhaps. I would say that I never really grew up in an environment that I know people very well, and have someone whom I can call mine. I was and am not possessive, knowing that the more you hold onto someone, something. The faster you lose that person, and when you do. The more it hurts. This leads to my nonchalant behavior, or at least I would excuse myself that way. MY granny.. how much can I call her mine when I barely reflected a segment of her life? How much can she claim to know me when she really didn't know much?
It's all so fuzzy in life that at times, we give up trying to find out how we are all in relation to one another. For one, I know the coming days are a fresh start, and I need to start paving my own route again to the ultimate end. I don't know how many more times I am going to cry in my sleep. So far I've done so twice. Once when I was young (perhaps 8 or 9?) and once... last night. Each time perhaps, they reveal my insecurities of my life that only I know of. I wouldn't even say it's "for me to know and for you to find out" cos' truthfully, I'm not interested to know if you want to find out or not. It's my life, not yours. Whether you know it or not doesn't matter to me.
In the ultimate end, we are still going to be alone. When our time is done and our presence is gone, what's left of us? What's going to be left are those fragments of our lives reflected by those around us who once experienced how brilliantly it shone. That's why they have "a few words" segment in funerals to share with everyone how the deceased was.
I'm not thinking about, or even planning death. Just a random blog entry after a very random, emotion-evoking dream.
Tomorrow, I'll wake up being the same "old" me. Which old? I'll decide again =)
For me, I see a different side of me each day. The stereotyped "can't be bothered" Desmond, the "I am tired and need to rest" Desmond, the "what am I doing here" Desmond... the list goes on. Similarly in life, the people in our lives are mirrors, or at least, reflective surfaces. They see a bit of us, perhaps only a side or two... some privileged ones see a few more sides, the "morning-oh-so-ugly" side, the "I-go-crazy-at-the-club" side and perhaps, the "I-am-upset-and-emo" side... same, the list goes on. What I'm trying to say here is, it's all these small small bits and pieces of life that make us US. When people ask for a self-introduction, how do we, and what do we tell them? What constitutes us? I'm not too sure myself as if I tell them I'm a reserved, quiet and down to earth person, I cannot forget that at times, I get so loud and unbashful about things in life. If I say that I'm loud and the joker-wanna-be, I cannot ignore the passive and can't be bothered me.
Myself, as a mirror of others, I see bits and pieces of my friends, of my siblings, my parents... and last night. I saw someone in my dream that sadly, I could not see again.
I don't know what led to me having such a dream, a good, and yet bad dream all in the same stride. Couldn't recall the beginning of the dream, but the main event that took place in it was the death of my paternal grandma. I've never seen my grandpas before. Both of them passed away before I was born. My maternal granny passed away 19 years ago. I was P1 then. I had vague memories of her... but I knew she doted on me. My paternal granny on the other hand, passed away 15 years ago. I was 11 then. I knew more, had more time with her, shared more memories with her... the new years that we spend visiting her at my uncle's place, and seeing her aging and becoming more frail as the years go by and as her grand children growing up and finding their place in the world... it did not occur to me that she will leave. Then again, she moved on. I was depressed. Yet at the same time, I treasured the time at the funeral. It was a family gathering. A time where my cousins and I ate together, prayed together, and even played together.
15 years have passed and I'ven't had anything that remind me of my maternal granny. Last time, I revisited the scene. This time, she passed away again. This time, I'm not longer 11 but 26 instead. I am sure she would be proud that I am finally a local University Graduate. I remember saying to my parents during the funeral, looking through the obituary and my relatives' names... running my tiny finger down the list and saying..."no ... no.... no .... Mummy, all of them never graduate from local university".. I want to be the one who make you proud. The one who will make us, as a family proud, that we have three local graduates of the Ee Family. My granny would be proud of me to know that I made it. Maybe that was why she resurfaced in my memory. When she last saw me, I was nothing more than a pre-teen. Someone unaware of how the world out there revolves... This time round, I'm half an adult, stepping into the world. I don't know much about her, and she didn't know much about me. We never had much chances of interacting anymore. But somehow, I know, she feels my joy, my relief, my pride and all that came along with my commencement. I know my parents feel the same. I know my siblings feel the same too.
Thus, it really didn't matter to me that my friends were not there. Somehow, I knew that it was the highlight of the day. It was about them being there. It was my day. A day I begin to really look back at what brought me thus far and what drives me to go further. They say the end point doesn't matter, but the journey. I took wrong turns and wasted time en route. I gained, and I lost. In the end, I got here. People may not be there anymore, but it's the memories that stay. It's the memories of them that you retain and recreate that make them there again.
I teared in my dreams, I felt the sadness of 15 years ago. This time, it was worse. I woke up, let my tears flowed off my cheeks onto my pillow, and another stream. Might as well let it all go while I was given the chance. Wondered why this happened at this time when I really haven't been thinking about things like that. Nothing in particular sparked off such thoughts and definitely nothing in particular drew back memories of my granny. Until my commencement perhaps. I would say that I never really grew up in an environment that I know people very well, and have someone whom I can call mine. I was and am not possessive, knowing that the more you hold onto someone, something. The faster you lose that person, and when you do. The more it hurts. This leads to my nonchalant behavior, or at least I would excuse myself that way. MY granny.. how much can I call her mine when I barely reflected a segment of her life? How much can she claim to know me when she really didn't know much?
It's all so fuzzy in life that at times, we give up trying to find out how we are all in relation to one another. For one, I know the coming days are a fresh start, and I need to start paving my own route again to the ultimate end. I don't know how many more times I am going to cry in my sleep. So far I've done so twice. Once when I was young (perhaps 8 or 9?) and once... last night. Each time perhaps, they reveal my insecurities of my life that only I know of. I wouldn't even say it's "for me to know and for you to find out" cos' truthfully, I'm not interested to know if you want to find out or not. It's my life, not yours. Whether you know it or not doesn't matter to me.
In the ultimate end, we are still going to be alone. When our time is done and our presence is gone, what's left of us? What's going to be left are those fragments of our lives reflected by those around us who once experienced how brilliantly it shone. That's why they have "a few words" segment in funerals to share with everyone how the deceased was.
I'm not thinking about, or even planning death. Just a random blog entry after a very random, emotion-evoking dream.
Tomorrow, I'll wake up being the same "old" me. Which old? I'll decide again =)
Monday, July 13, 2009
怎么了.....
窗外阴天了音乐低声了
我的心开始想你了
灯光也暗了音乐低声了
口中的棉花糖也融化了
窗外阴天了人是无聊了
我的心开始想你了
电话响起了你要说话了
还以为你心里对我又想念了
怎么你声音变得冷淡了
是你变了是你变了
灯光熄灭了音乐静止了
滴下的眼泪已停不住了
天下起雨了人是不快乐
我的心真的受伤了
我的心开始想你了
灯光也暗了音乐低声了
口中的棉花糖也融化了
窗外阴天了人是无聊了
我的心开始想你了
电话响起了你要说话了
还以为你心里对我又想念了
怎么你声音变得冷淡了
是你变了是你变了
灯光熄灭了音乐静止了
滴下的眼泪已停不住了
天下起雨了人是不快乐
我的心真的受伤了
Friday, July 10, 2009
somethings in life just get you thinking
Us human beings start pondering over BIG things in life when we are inspired by events, people, things or simply feelings that strike us when we least expect it. Along that line of thought, I started to feel a little insecure and wondered how things could be turn out and may possibly be affected by what I do now. You know the old tale of chain reaction where one thing leads to another, or the "Butterfly Effect" where you "change one thing, change everything".
Well anyway, was just heading home after work and saw two people, two strangers actually... and that got me wondering what had happened to my youth and where it all went to. We live from day to day, always taught to look forward and live for the future. So much so that we forget to live today. Forget to live yesterday. Where did it all go to and why did it go away? And yet, didn't what we do last time lead us to where we are today? It's all linked, and yet at the same time... they're as distinguished from each other as oil and water, black and white, male and female... the list goes on. Youth, almost certainly never going to return. Should we turn into green eyed monsters cursing those who are in the 'prime' of their lives? The physical prime years? Or should we be proud and contented of ourselves for being in the financial 'prime' of our lives? Perhaps the enticing independence that we've longed for all these years has finally arrived should leave a sweet after taste? It hasn't thus far for me. I always feel different from others. I don't get as many friends as others who care, I was never the 'star' of the show. No, I don't ask to be the star. I just don't want to be the backdrop. Many times, perhaps due to how I view life due to certain past experiences, I end up being where I don't want to be.
Why such a long winded way to say what I don't know deep inside? Perhaps the disorientation led to this long-winded blog entry. It just goes round like karma. Good and bad, distinct and ambiguity... things come in pairs. Youth vs. Age... where will age bring me to? Where does the road lead to and what's there waiting for me? Perhaps I'll never know till I'm there. But when I'm there, will I look back and regret, wondering if I should've taken another route? Never will one know how best could the other routes be unless presented the options. In life, we don't really have that many other choices we know. We think they are there and based on that imagined perception, we choose what we think is best for us...
Perhaps, just perhaps... that was the one and only choice. Human beings are good at imagining... the ability to think and ponder, to wonder and perceive. Yet all are subjectively shaped ... to each his own (paradigm)
What's good for me, may really be bad for me. I'll never know.. till I'm told. Then again, who's to judge and comment? It's really quite tiring when thinking about such stuff. No wonder I never really spend my time doing these sorts of stuff.
================================================
Working life has changed my view on time management as well as priorities. Living a rather monotonous (some say scheduled and disciplined) life. Doing the same things, seeing the same people, going the same places... how long will this last? I might have taken a step in this too quickly and deeply. Where was the search for passion and the search for interest? Where was the think slowly and ignore what society impress onto us? What happened to the time that was spent wondering what should be done after graduation where after graduation, life's already been planned and cast in stone?
Anyway, I've made plans for the near future. Something to look forward to in the meantime. I do enjoy my work, making a slight difference to people's life. Seeing that people appreciate what I do is a bonus. Not committing silly mistakes is another. Moments of folly that surface once in awhile make me doubt my (in)ability. In any case, I'm contented at where I am now. Maybe it's the anticipation for the first payroll in the coming week that has me feeling a little hopeful. Is that what keeps all working adults motivated at their workplace? That one day that you see your bank account chiming resoundingly... the magical day that life seems miraculously wonderful and promising. I've yet to see it.. but I'm sure I will one day. That one day is coming. I can so feel it...
Well anyway, was just heading home after work and saw two people, two strangers actually... and that got me wondering what had happened to my youth and where it all went to. We live from day to day, always taught to look forward and live for the future. So much so that we forget to live today. Forget to live yesterday. Where did it all go to and why did it go away? And yet, didn't what we do last time lead us to where we are today? It's all linked, and yet at the same time... they're as distinguished from each other as oil and water, black and white, male and female... the list goes on. Youth, almost certainly never going to return. Should we turn into green eyed monsters cursing those who are in the 'prime' of their lives? The physical prime years? Or should we be proud and contented of ourselves for being in the financial 'prime' of our lives? Perhaps the enticing independence that we've longed for all these years has finally arrived should leave a sweet after taste? It hasn't thus far for me. I always feel different from others. I don't get as many friends as others who care, I was never the 'star' of the show. No, I don't ask to be the star. I just don't want to be the backdrop. Many times, perhaps due to how I view life due to certain past experiences, I end up being where I don't want to be.
Why such a long winded way to say what I don't know deep inside? Perhaps the disorientation led to this long-winded blog entry. It just goes round like karma. Good and bad, distinct and ambiguity... things come in pairs. Youth vs. Age... where will age bring me to? Where does the road lead to and what's there waiting for me? Perhaps I'll never know till I'm there. But when I'm there, will I look back and regret, wondering if I should've taken another route? Never will one know how best could the other routes be unless presented the options. In life, we don't really have that many other choices we know. We think they are there and based on that imagined perception, we choose what we think is best for us...
Perhaps, just perhaps... that was the one and only choice. Human beings are good at imagining... the ability to think and ponder, to wonder and perceive. Yet all are subjectively shaped ... to each his own (paradigm)
What's good for me, may really be bad for me. I'll never know.. till I'm told. Then again, who's to judge and comment? It's really quite tiring when thinking about such stuff. No wonder I never really spend my time doing these sorts of stuff.
================================================
Working life has changed my view on time management as well as priorities. Living a rather monotonous (some say scheduled and disciplined) life. Doing the same things, seeing the same people, going the same places... how long will this last? I might have taken a step in this too quickly and deeply. Where was the search for passion and the search for interest? Where was the think slowly and ignore what society impress onto us? What happened to the time that was spent wondering what should be done after graduation where after graduation, life's already been planned and cast in stone?
Anyway, I've made plans for the near future. Something to look forward to in the meantime. I do enjoy my work, making a slight difference to people's life. Seeing that people appreciate what I do is a bonus. Not committing silly mistakes is another. Moments of folly that surface once in awhile make me doubt my (in)ability. In any case, I'm contented at where I am now. Maybe it's the anticipation for the first payroll in the coming week that has me feeling a little hopeful. Is that what keeps all working adults motivated at their workplace? That one day that you see your bank account chiming resoundingly... the magical day that life seems miraculously wonderful and promising. I've yet to see it.. but I'm sure I will one day. That one day is coming. I can so feel it...
Monday, July 6, 2009
Suddenly fleeting
Somehow us human beings can appreciate the presence of emotions, whether they are positive, or negative (a matter of subjective perspectives certainly). The entire process of brewing, stirring it in almost predictable rhythm and beats, is as excitable as the end product itself.
It was just a very ordinary plain Jane Monday this morning when I woke up but as the day went by, seconds ticking and gone, I started to feel this anticipation building within that threatens to spew out like spirits out of those possessed characters in Hollywood demonic films.. had to bite my lips and clench my jaws for the sake of not attracting penetrating stares in public transport.
So, what am I so excited (or going to be excited) about?
1) it's my first off day for my first official full time job
2) it's my graduation tomorrow and I am the king in my own empire
3) it's the day where I can be in the company of my friends again
4) it's the official mark of the end and the beginning of another life
Any of the 4 above applies, and at the same time, it's possibly the cumulation of all 4 factors that create this restlessness within.
I actually came home, put down my bag at the usual place in my room and headed straight to the walk-in wardrobe to try on my gown with the executive wear, all for the "whole image" that will be revealed on stage tomorrow. All for the big day tomorrow. Some fleeting thoughts came through and by - "OH this button is revealing amidst the sea of blue", "Oh no the strings on the mortar board are not of the same length!", "oooh the gown practically hides all physical flaws and for that one day everyone can no longer feel pressured to walk/ sit with their bulging stomaches sucked and held in.", "this peachy colour goes well with the white shirt and the skin tone, but what color tie should I wear to go along with it?"... the list goes on and I shan't bore you all with it AS it's my business and now of you are there to see/feel it. No I'm not bitter about it as it is obviously clear that not everyone is still as free as a student these days. Not applicable at least to those who are my age group now. It's the sad but salt-sprinkled-on-wound painful truth.
Well, that aside, I am still looking forward to sitting among those who feel the same as me... probably sitting through the ceremony looking at individuals with oversized gowns and mortarboards, who potentially may trip over their laces or shake the wrong hand of the GOH, or taking the wrong step first on the stage and end up walking awkwardly across the stage (It's a good thing where it's not military style and one ends up marching with the same-arm-same-leg syndrome). At the end of that, photo taking (where most people can't wait for) with close ones and not-so-close ones. Acquaintances and those who know your darkest secrets... even those who used to dislike you for not contributing enough during term assignments. All those displeasures dissipate and all's well again (at least for that few moments).
==============================================
I have two terrapins actually. Just got them yesterday, in fact it has been ages since I own any pets. For one, my mum hates the idea of having pets (especially dogs and living things with fur: read mess in the house). So, I only had a chick when I was a toddler (which I killed after repeatedly throwing it away from me as it repeatedly hopped back towards me).. I had 2 terrapins after that which lasted me for years.... (since they survived the throws) but ended up in horrible death when they grew too huge and had to be brought to my dad's office to be reared. They got killed (eaten) by rats that ran around the office... gruesome i know. Well, I thought I would give plants a try. Had cactus (named Ozzie) that was brutally murdered at my friend's place after it got knocked off (what..? 13 floors!) but well, it survived and re-grew... (phew). then I had some indoor IKEA plants but they did not last. Withered and died like those wild flowers growing in the drains under the unforgiving Singaporean summer sun.
So back to the story of my two terrapins, I've yet to named them, but supposed keeping in mind "terror" (the female who is over active and pun with "Terra") and "pin" to rhyme with "病", the male who has been sleeping (eyes wide shut) the moment since he came home with me... he must be really afraid of the new environment and traumatised by Terror. He's been sleeping in all angles and all conditions that I think he's sick. Maybe he's as excited as his owner, but, he's starting to look a little sick. Non-chalant perhaps? Some say you are non chalant because the world has turned its back onto you and you do the same. Others, just had some experiences that really shut them off.. wonder which applies to my "pin".
==============================================
Speaking of appearing aloof and non-chalant in front of others, something just occurred to me while I was preparing dinner. Was speaking to my dad about the difference between Bachelor of Arts and Bachelor of Social Sciences (Hons) and well, just as I was about to complete my 2nd sentence, my elder sister called out and spoke something from her room, my dad immediately turned his back on me and walked away answering to her call. My family has to learn how to listen.. to give undivided attention for those who speak... my dad gives but only to one individual.. my mum, likes to interrupt, and my siblings don't usually listen to the complete exchange of words...
Myself? I adapt by listening selectively and not speaking unnecessarily. Why bother to speak when no one's listening right? That's perhaps what has shaped me over the years into the current me. Getting used to the silence and the misled perceptions from others. During occasional gatherings, the non stop chattering and noise fade away and the excitement dies off.. fatigue sets in while embarking the quiet and lonesome journey home, it always happen, doesn't it? Well, of course if you have someone who's going to listen to you waiting at home. That certainly is going to change the way life is.
Alright, enough of my blabbering and it's time to take a break. Rest like Sleepy Pin.
It was just a very ordinary plain Jane Monday this morning when I woke up but as the day went by, seconds ticking and gone, I started to feel this anticipation building within that threatens to spew out like spirits out of those possessed characters in Hollywood demonic films.. had to bite my lips and clench my jaws for the sake of not attracting penetrating stares in public transport.
So, what am I so excited (or going to be excited) about?
1) it's my first off day for my first official full time job
2) it's my graduation tomorrow and I am the king in my own empire
3) it's the day where I can be in the company of my friends again
4) it's the official mark of the end and the beginning of another life
Any of the 4 above applies, and at the same time, it's possibly the cumulation of all 4 factors that create this restlessness within.
I actually came home, put down my bag at the usual place in my room and headed straight to the walk-in wardrobe to try on my gown with the executive wear, all for the "whole image" that will be revealed on stage tomorrow. All for the big day tomorrow. Some fleeting thoughts came through and by - "OH this button is revealing amidst the sea of blue", "Oh no the strings on the mortar board are not of the same length!", "oooh the gown practically hides all physical flaws and for that one day everyone can no longer feel pressured to walk/ sit with their bulging stomaches sucked and held in.", "this peachy colour goes well with the white shirt and the skin tone, but what color tie should I wear to go along with it?"... the list goes on and I shan't bore you all with it AS it's my business and now of you are there to see/feel it. No I'm not bitter about it as it is obviously clear that not everyone is still as free as a student these days. Not applicable at least to those who are my age group now. It's the sad but salt-sprinkled-on-wound painful truth.
Well, that aside, I am still looking forward to sitting among those who feel the same as me... probably sitting through the ceremony looking at individuals with oversized gowns and mortarboards, who potentially may trip over their laces or shake the wrong hand of the GOH, or taking the wrong step first on the stage and end up walking awkwardly across the stage (It's a good thing where it's not military style and one ends up marching with the same-arm-same-leg syndrome). At the end of that, photo taking (where most people can't wait for) with close ones and not-so-close ones. Acquaintances and those who know your darkest secrets... even those who used to dislike you for not contributing enough during term assignments. All those displeasures dissipate and all's well again (at least for that few moments).
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I have two terrapins actually. Just got them yesterday, in fact it has been ages since I own any pets. For one, my mum hates the idea of having pets (especially dogs and living things with fur: read mess in the house). So, I only had a chick when I was a toddler (which I killed after repeatedly throwing it away from me as it repeatedly hopped back towards me).. I had 2 terrapins after that which lasted me for years.... (since they survived the throws) but ended up in horrible death when they grew too huge and had to be brought to my dad's office to be reared. They got killed (eaten) by rats that ran around the office... gruesome i know. Well, I thought I would give plants a try. Had cactus (named Ozzie) that was brutally murdered at my friend's place after it got knocked off (what..? 13 floors!) but well, it survived and re-grew... (phew). then I had some indoor IKEA plants but they did not last. Withered and died like those wild flowers growing in the drains under the unforgiving Singaporean summer sun.
So back to the story of my two terrapins, I've yet to named them, but supposed keeping in mind "terror" (the female who is over active and pun with "Terra") and "pin" to rhyme with "病", the male who has been sleeping (eyes wide shut) the moment since he came home with me... he must be really afraid of the new environment and traumatised by Terror. He's been sleeping in all angles and all conditions that I think he's sick. Maybe he's as excited as his owner, but, he's starting to look a little sick. Non-chalant perhaps? Some say you are non chalant because the world has turned its back onto you and you do the same. Others, just had some experiences that really shut them off.. wonder which applies to my "pin".
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Speaking of appearing aloof and non-chalant in front of others, something just occurred to me while I was preparing dinner. Was speaking to my dad about the difference between Bachelor of Arts and Bachelor of Social Sciences (Hons) and well, just as I was about to complete my 2nd sentence, my elder sister called out and spoke something from her room, my dad immediately turned his back on me and walked away answering to her call. My family has to learn how to listen.. to give undivided attention for those who speak... my dad gives but only to one individual.. my mum, likes to interrupt, and my siblings don't usually listen to the complete exchange of words...
Myself? I adapt by listening selectively and not speaking unnecessarily. Why bother to speak when no one's listening right? That's perhaps what has shaped me over the years into the current me. Getting used to the silence and the misled perceptions from others. During occasional gatherings, the non stop chattering and noise fade away and the excitement dies off.. fatigue sets in while embarking the quiet and lonesome journey home, it always happen, doesn't it? Well, of course if you have someone who's going to listen to you waiting at home. That certainly is going to change the way life is.
Alright, enough of my blabbering and it's time to take a break. Rest like Sleepy Pin.
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