somethings in life just get you thinking

Us human beings start pondering over BIG things in life when we are inspired by events, people, things or simply feelings that strike us when we least expect it. Along that line of thought, I started to feel a little insecure and wondered how things could be turn out and may possibly be affected by what I do now. You know the old tale of chain reaction where one thing leads to another, or the "Butterfly Effect" where you "change one thing, change everything".

Well anyway, was just heading home after work and saw two people, two strangers actually... and that got me wondering what had happened to my youth and where it all went to. We live from day to day, always taught to look forward and live for the future. So much so that we forget to live today. Forget to live yesterday. Where did it all go to and why did it go away? And yet, didn't what we do last time lead us to where we are today? It's all linked, and yet at the same time... they're as distinguished from each other as oil and water, black and white, male and female... the list goes on. Youth, almost certainly never going to return. Should we turn into green eyed monsters cursing those who are in the 'prime' of their lives? The physical prime years? Or should we be proud and contented of ourselves for being in the financial 'prime' of our lives? Perhaps the enticing independence that we've longed for all these years has finally arrived should leave a sweet after taste? It hasn't thus far for me. I always feel different from others. I don't get as many friends as others who care, I was never the 'star' of the show. No, I don't ask to be the star. I just don't want to be the backdrop. Many times, perhaps due to how I view life due to certain past experiences, I end up being where I don't want to be.

Why such a long winded way to say what I don't know deep inside? Perhaps the disorientation led to this long-winded blog entry. It just goes round like karma. Good and bad, distinct and ambiguity... things come in pairs. Youth vs. Age... where will age bring me to? Where does the road lead to and what's there waiting for me? Perhaps I'll never know till I'm there. But when I'm there, will I look back and regret, wondering if I should've taken another route? Never will one know how best could the other routes be unless presented the options. In life, we don't really have that many other choices we know. We think they are there and based on that imagined perception, we choose what we think is best for us...

Perhaps, just perhaps... that was the one and only choice. Human beings are good at imagining... the ability to think and ponder, to wonder and perceive. Yet all are subjectively shaped ... to each his own (paradigm)

What's good for me, may really be bad for me. I'll never know.. till I'm told. Then again, who's to judge and comment? It's really quite tiring when thinking about such stuff. No wonder I never really spend my time doing these sorts of stuff.

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Working life has changed my view on time management as well as priorities. Living a rather monotonous (some say scheduled and disciplined) life. Doing the same things, seeing the same people, going the same places... how long will this last? I might have taken a step in this too quickly and deeply. Where was the search for passion and the search for interest? Where was the think slowly and ignore what society impress onto us? What happened to the time that was spent wondering what should be done after graduation where after graduation, life's already been planned and cast in stone?

Anyway, I've made plans for the near future. Something to look forward to in the meantime. I do enjoy my work, making a slight difference to people's life. Seeing that people appreciate what I do is a bonus. Not committing silly mistakes is another. Moments of folly that surface once in awhile make me doubt my (in)ability. In any case, I'm contented at where I am now. Maybe it's the anticipation for the first payroll in the coming week that has me feeling a little hopeful. Is that what keeps all working adults motivated at their workplace? That one day that you see your bank account chiming resoundingly... the magical day that life seems miraculously wonderful and promising. I've yet to see it.. but I'm sure I will one day. That one day is coming. I can so feel it...