It's funny how when your heart feels for something, or someone. Your mind follows and desires only for that one thing/ person. It's almost difficult to separate the two of them as much as you try. In fact, the harder you try, the tougher it becomes. Similar to the analogy of wanting to hold on to something, and yet like sand,the harder you grip, the faster the sand slips through your fingers. The only thing that you can do, treasure each moment that it's slipping away. Once it's done, grab another bunch and do the same. It's definitely easier to let go rather than being the one who is being let go of. Of course, you have no choice when you are the latter. At least as the former, you choose how fast, slow and how much you want let go.
Possibly impossible to grab back the same bunch every again. Good things do not last, and they definitely do not come knocking twice.
Nope, nothing of that sort happened to me yet. But the keyword here is YET and yes, I am expecting it to happen. Maybe tomorrow, maybe the day after, maybe 3 weeks later, maybe 2months, or maybe 1 year and a half? Well, the only thing I'm sure of is that it will come to a sudden end. In the meantime, as much as I am preparing myself for any changes in my life, the loss of something or someone, I'm fighting a losing battle. The fact is, I can never be fully prepared for changes in my life. I know myself. Being hard on the outside has nothing, totally nothing to do with what and how I feel inside.
Another thing, it's funny how sometimes we say things we don't mean in order to get a result that we hope for. Why is it such a way? Why not say something we mean and get what we hope for? Isn't that a better choice? Apparently it doesn't work that way. So, every now and then we sometimes say "I'm not too sure if I want to go along" simply means I want to but well, I want some persuasion, I need some attention and effort from the other party to make me feel important, or more importantly, to feel WANTED. But why? Why is it so difficult to just make it known in the very first place?
People having to play their front stage and back stage characters/ personalities... it can be tiring. Why don't we all just put down our masks? Take a chance, and live life as it is. And yes, funny how I am proposing this but yet, I am possibly the first one who doesn't want to do it. What's there to gain? Plenty to lose maybe.
Though working and taking my mind off stupid useless thoughts like this, there are times such as the 1 stop train ride and the lonesome walk home from the train station in almost total darkness that reminds me of how me, an individual just doesn't really fit in anywhere. Not much at home, not much in school/ lessons, not much at work, not much anywhere. The virtual world remains my friend. The television, and maybe my cell phone that remains dumb. Either that, or I am deaf and not hearing it buzz.
I entertained the thought of disposing the cell, and going back to a pager. At least you have the choice of returning the call without having the obligation to pick up the phone. Pager - no picking up. Lousy argument you may propose, but well, that's how I see it. But then again, you, or I will need a phone to return the call IF I decided to do so. And how lovely it was to have the ability to communicate through alpha-numeric...Technology technology, you wish you did not have to live with them, yet we cannot live without them.
Nowadays, I don't even know if the person is smiling, needless to assume laughing when (s)he types "haha" on msn or sms. How often do you actually mean it? By hugging a friend, do you feel just the body, or do you feel the bond? Sometimes, by looking at the gestures between my bosses and their friends, a simple peck (or even one that is simulated), a common practice in France and several European countries, I think that by doing something like that often, you actually start to believe in it. Tell me something I can do so that I can truly believe in it someday. :)
Ok, digressed. Just a mess of thoughts in my mind.
Bonne nuit.
(Ironic the entire entry is not so funny afterall)
