First day at work.

Journey to Vivocity, I totally did not know what to expect, and did not know what to do though I've done waitering jobs before. After all, this is a rather open place and my movements are seen by all. When the clock hits 4pm, things started rolling, started to get used to the place, my bosses (VERY nice people), workload (not too heavy)... things will start piling up as well at work so that I learn more stuff so that one day, according to one of them, I may take over a day's shift from them. Well, that's good because I do need to save up for my trip, otherwise I wouldn't be working as well right?

Supposed to end work at 9pm, but there were still too many customers around so I stayed till 10pm... 6hrs went past rather quickly and no signs of hunger, no signs of boredom or too much fatigue. Even had a glass of champagne to mark my first day of work at Fre(n)sh (coincidentally, it was the first time the father of one of the bosses, Benoit, come to Singapore)

Alright, there's nothing about what I do after the exams that I can complain about, not that I do most of the time...

Have a great holiday to most out there, and those with exams still. Merde.

Love = Attachment styles from young

According to reading by Hazan and Shaver, there are 3 types of attachment styles, and these are largely adult relationships resulting from infant/ parent relationships. Loss of parent-child relationship leads to predictable outcome: protest, despair and detachment. Following that, the 3 types of attachment are secure, insecure, and avoidant.

Each style has a different "love" belief and the attachment style carries into adulthood...

of course, most people would already know that least lonely people tend to have longer relationships.

"I find it relatively easy to get close to others and am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I don't often worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to me." (Secure)

"I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others; I find it difficult to trust them completely, difficult to allow myself to depend on them. I am nervous when anyone gets too close, and often love partners want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being." (Avoidant)

"I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often worry that my partner doesn't really love me or worry that my partner doesn't really love me or won't want to stay with me. I want to merge completely with another person, and this desire sometimes scares people away." (Insecure)

So which type of attachment style do you feel you belong to?

Personally, I am the insecure type. Haa..sadly.

dreams.... nightmares

This happened before, and more than once...

Though most of the time it's rather peaceful and all, but recently, it's this recurring theme or rather, phenomenon that is taking place in my dreams, and i get quite freaked out.

My tooth shook.

Next dream, it shook again.

Next dream, it shook again, and dropped.

Another dream, another tooth shook.

Later, the same tooth shook, dropped and I could feel the emptiness with my tongue and it felt so real. So real that it is freaky.

Just now when I had my nap, i dreamt that I was sleeping, and when I woke up from it, my front tooth shook, and it shook damn badly. Went online to the National Dental Clinic website to book a reservation, and then, I woke up.

Glided my tongue against all my teeth and made sure none shook. I just do not like this feeling of shaky teeth. =(

Am I going to lose something I treasure? Don't believe much in reading into dreams... it may be what I am imagining and thinking and paranoid about all day long, and hence a reflection, but that doesn't matter.

Que sera, sera.

Nostalgia

Earlier on, was conversing with Kelvin over MSN and we went onto the topic of songs, and I was reminded of this song that I have in my iTunes - Princess Mononoke.

A few entries ago in Yong Xiang's blog, I read about the songs that remind him of certain significant events in his life. At that point in time, I did not think of any particular songs that reminded me of events... or maybe I did not want to believe that such a thing can be associated with me. Nowadays, I rather live in the present and not dwell in the past. Life(time) only move forward, never back...

So, while I was listening to this orchestra version played by Tokyo Kosei, I recalled playing it along side with my bandmates, with my buddies and with people I call my friends. It was a very memorable time and this gush of emotions and feelings came back... mostly good...nothing negative. Well well well... nice to be able to think back and know that I had that moment/ experience in my life.

So, this is my song. A song/ piece that reminds me of my band days, the days my identity was made up of nothing but a clarinetist.

Anyway, another thing that I can be happy about, is I felt something positive coming for the first time from a particular friend of mine... And the simple words of "I want to..." made me a very happy boy tonight.

:)

ouch...

My neck aches (need some massage desperately)

I'm in the same sitting position most of the day

I feel that my body is slightly mis-aligned, need some fine tuning, perhaps too old for that.

Why do I even feel older than I already am?

Fuck, I need to get out of my house and away from all these notes...

The conversion of weekdays to weekends is taking place soon.

3 days. and counting...

Eternal Summer

Watched the movie and although there are some parts, such as the ending that I am not too sure about, but overall, I liked the movie.

"No one should ever be alone"...

Anyway, to think about it, Singapore seldom shows Taiwanese movies huh?

Fulfilling dinner

After a fulfilling dinner, one has to exercise despite being in the examination period.

So, after a Sukiyaki set dinner at Ichiban Boshi, Suntec with Shuling, Anneson, Kelvin, Francesca and Teresa, which was very filling... headed home and well, did not do any revision at all. haha...

But I compensated, in the form of exercise the following day which is today. Woke up and went for a blading session at East Coast with my sister and spent a solid hour and 45mins on wheels. Sugar cane juice, coconut water...hot and humid weather but good way to burn some fats and tone some asses!

It's nice to just go around East Coast on a weekend seeing the diverse forms of human beings parading themselves.

I am going to buy a pair of blades and I extend an offer to anyone who is reading this, who is willing and able to go blade with me on weekends or days. (Don't tell me the I want but I can't thing... If you can't, then don't bother telling me.. hahaha... so fierce hor,asking people to join me still so fierce.. hahaha)

So, if you are interested, and able to, feel free to join me, or ask me along! Well that's of course after the examinations (27th April 2007).

Well, now my thighs are a little aching and I am going to ache my brain (and eyes) now.

A good weekend to all.

Fre(n)sh

See the title of this blog entry?

From 28th April onwards, I will be un garçon there... after dining there twice and chatting with the owners, finding out that they have the intention of hiring part timer(s), I left them my contact... and yesterday, one of the guys messaged me asking if I am free to go down today to discuss about the job.

Of course, I went down and spoke to them. Friendly people, nice small workplace and decent pay, so why not?

Anyway, I hope I don't screw this job up by doing wrong things or what when at work. Have to be a nice Singaporean and all. :) Not that I am not one in the first place.

Well, I have to be in shirt and jeans with an apron! (I've always wanted to work at TCC because I saw the apron and fell in love with such a working attire, now the chance is finally here!)

Next time, I'll be waitering around and one thing take dawned on me, I am the first person receiving a salary at Fre(n)sh because they are the co-owners. I am the first official staff. hahaha...

Ok, time to crawl back to my notes as my first paper is on Monday. Also my toughest paper - Race and Ethnic Relations. Boohoohoo

wish me luck mes amis.

For all my fellow friends, bonne chance, ou comme on dit en France, Merde pour les examens.

... ... ...

Humid weather + cloudy skies + tonnes of notes to memorize + examination coming in 4 days + wearing spectacles and facing everything around me

=

ONE FUCKING MASSIVE HEADACHE on my left brain.

I think I am ....... ... ... Desmond.

Satisfaction

Desmond is satisfied because...

1. received SC3101 essay which he did not expect to do very well for, and scored a B+.
2. the race and ethnic relations essay that almost killed him and had him rushing till the very last minute (literally) came back and got a B+ for the writeup, a A+ for the interview transcript and a A for the analysis of the public representation... averaging out to a probable A or A-.
3. he went for a haircut and now, it's so much easier to manage.
4. he spent some quality time with his readings in the very crowded central library today.
5. he is slowly getting darker and leaner, seems like a lean mean fighting machine by the age of 25 may not be that far away.

How satisfied are you today?

Something's brewing...

Nowadays, there's something in me that wants to have a change in my life.

Most who are in contact with me would know I have some plans laid out before me after graduation. Well, that I don't know if will come true, but I will try. I always try.

And well, some calculations and I realized, I do not want to wait for that time to come. It will be too late. By then, I am a good 30 year old. Well, not so good after all with no strong resumé or working experiences. Just someone with a degree, with perhaps, a year of overseas education, and yup, that's about it. Who would want to hire me?

How then am I going to well, finance my expenses? Things I am looking forward to in my life that I can call my own:

1. a small apartment by the sea front (possibly impossible given my parents.)
   
2. a car. Mini or Suzuki Swift or well, Volkswagen Golf GTI
3. credit card and not a supplementary
   
4. a stable monthly income

And yes, I think I have just fallen into the 5Cs dream of most Singaporeans. Funny how I watched the show 'Singapore Dreaming' last year and thought that this sort of 'dreams' will not apply to me. And yes, I have sadly, or contentedly fallen into this pit.

I thought I wouldn't want to work at 9-5 job, and I thought I wouldn't want all these material things, but well, people do change I guess. For better or worse, people change and yes, change is the only constant.

Well, the wonders of having money. The ability to be independent. It's just nice to know that those above may actually come true. Now, I just got to work for it and yes, I want to be an eligible bachelor... (no, not those on CLEO or what, but well, I wouldn't mind though not of my priority). Maybe I can be like the 51st. Haha

What do you want in the future? The future is here.

"The uselessness of nostalgia. Believe more in the philosophy of being fully present in the moment and not wish you were somewhere else." -Straits Times article-

A short get-away on two occasions.

Some random thoughts that went through my mind... and well, some interesting sightings when I went some corners of Singapore...First up, this was taken last Friday during the Easter weekend at Sentosa. Went there with Shuling, long time since we last met up at the sunny island. On the way home to the Sentosa Express platform, saw this huge cloud with the sun peeking behind. Somehow, these rays are just appealing.

As for this one above, it's at KM8.. took it this afternoon when I was there going through my coursepack. It is actually quite a nice place to do some revision, chill out in the sun with music, drink, breeze, volleyballs and frisbees, hot bods needless to say. The cloth above the tanning deck, seemed to have this hypnotic effect on me as I watched it flow with the breeze and took a short rest from my notes.

and this above, was very interesting and funny. This Indian family walked past the decks that I was at and yes, they took the bench and the stool to say 10metres away from where I was and yes. Did that above. For a good 20minutes. Somehow, it's just a funny sight.

Of course, it would be difficult and well, troublesome to go to this island without a membership.

Alright, I think... what I just said at the beginning of this entry was not true. I did not go 'some' corners of Singapore. I merely went to ... Sentosa. I bet you all could figure that out pretty effortlessly. My membership expires end of May and well, this I guess is 'making the full use of it'.

this to that...interdependence

Train to rail.

Photo to frame.

Fish to water.

Cloud to sky.

Lyrics to song.

Sides to square.

Ink to pen.

Words to sentence.

Lips to lips.

Cheek to cheek.

You to me.

what's next?

There was a time where you thought about it, and know that there will come a day where there is nothing left to be said.

And when the day comes where you have said all that you wanted, what is next?

There's only this much one can keep giving... and at a certain point, it has to stop. One can no longer give but has to be on the receiving end.

Give and take, isn't that how it's supposed to be?

Side - Travis

Publish

Well I believe theres someone watching over you
Theyre watching every single thing you say
And when you die
Theyll set you down and take you through
Youll realise one day
That the grass is always greener on the other side
The neighbours got a new car that you wanna drive
And when time is running out you wanna stay alive
We all live under the same sky
We all will live, we all will die
There is no wrong, there is no right
The circle only has one side
We all try hard to live our lives in harmony
For fear of falling swiftly overboard
But life is both a major and minor key
Just open up the chord
But the grass is always greener on the other side
The neighbours got a new car that you wanna drive
And when time is running out you wanna stay alive
We all live under the same sky
We all will live, we all will die
There is no wrong, there is no right
The circle only has one side

a poem shared with me...

My friend shared with me this poem...
(in response to my MSN sub-nick)

In a perfect world, we would never need to apologise.

We would never speak a thoughtless word..

Or let each other down or break each other’s heart.

Love would conquer all and happiness will cost a dime a dozen.

But this isn’t a perfect world and sometimes people learn things the hard way.

We do things we cannot take back no matter how hard we try….

Diary of Jane

If I had to
I would put myself right beside you
So let me ask
Would you like that?
Would you like that?

And I don't mind
If you say this love is the last time
So now I'll ask
Do you like that?
Do you like that?

No

Something's getting in the way
Something's just about to break
I will try to find my place in the diary of Jane
So tell me how it should be

Try to find out what makes you tick
As I lie down
Sore and sick
Do you like that?
Do you like that?

There's a fine line between love and hate
And I don't mind
Just let me say that I like that
I like that

Something's getting in the way
Something's just about to break
I will try to find my place in the diary of Jane
As I burn another page
As I look the other way
I still try to find my place in the diary of Jane
So tell me how it should be

Desperate, I will crawl
Waiting for so long
No love, there is no love
Die for anyone
What have I become

Something's getting in the way
Something's just about to break
I will try to find my place in the diary of Jane
As I burn another page
As I look the other way
I still try to find my place
In the diary of Jane

why some can put on a cold front

I was wondering that there must be reasons why a person behave in the manner he is behaving... when a person behaves in such a non-chalant, "I-don't-want-to-be-too-involved" manner, it kind of puts you in a position wondering what it actually takes to break down the invisible wall. To reach in and feel what cannot be felt, that had been hidden from the external world these years to prevent any further damage to himself.

what if I think I can help to melt down the ice? So what difference will it make? Will it turn out the way I want it to be? will it even melt in the first place? Many times, I put myself in a position I can see myself to understand others. Egoist you may say that I still see others through my own eyes. well, at least I withdraw from me to understand you. but at one point in time, I realise, I am no different from you. I have this wall as well, waiting for the right one to come along and share with me my inner thoughts and emotions. Sometimes, I wonder if the right one will come. Or if like now, I'm ready to settle for this, and yet... i know it works better if both are in equal states. If what I am putting across is being understood, being felt in the manner I want it to.

I sometimes stone at think of the range of events that might have caused a person to be the way he is. The vast possibilities, and yet, I come to no conclusion... simply because everyone's just too different from one another. this is almost a repetition of the first paragraph isn't it? A question that is bothering me... does any one out there who feel me as I am? true to the heart and yet not doubt a single thing I say because at some point in time, I really DO mean what I say... people may acknowledge to this, but are these acknowledgements coming from the right people? This is the thing about human beings, we have the potential to rationalise, to reason and to think. This is our downfall... we create too many problems for ourselves in the end.

When we talk, do we listen to each other whole-heartedly? How many times do you absorb everything that the other party says/said? I do.

"I may have wandering eyes, but my heart does not falter. This may sound mushy and cheesy, but I mean every bit of it."

The above, a quote that I came up with myself... I don't how many copyrights I have infringed upon but I swear I came up with that spontaneously. Trust me, and believe me. that way, it'll be much better and the jigsaw pieces will fit better together, that way... the big picture can be revealed.

How nice if we can be like kittens... play with one another, enjoy the company and not demand more than that's given. With no expectations comes no disappointment. This is one lesson that has been taught over and over again, and I tried learning and learning, time and time again, and yet, as I thought I have already grasped the general idea, I think I am missing out on the fine details.

This will in turn cost me dearly. Tell me now, to re-learn the entire lesson, or to stick to what I already know? Follow the mind, or follow the heart simply because both, just do not work together...

I appreciate friendships, I treasure friendships, I value friendships, but sometimes, I just can't express myself in a way that shows I do. My wall has been erected and it takes someone, something to break it down... I am more than willing to let entry when the right one comes...

Desmond Ee just doesn't get it at times. Knock some sense into me, into Desmond (Ee).

A name is just a name. I wish it's more than that. I wish it's a connection... a spiritual link... by knowing your name, and your face, IF only I can know more about you. That way, I can choose to withdraw myself before my finger gets burnt. or to devote myself into making things work.

Good Night to you my friend. (yes, it is to you who is reading this, and to those who are not reading as well, and to the one I am thinking of while writing this entry)

Chatting with a friend at my workplace and she illuminated a part of the darkness for me:

"Do what you want cos' people may gossip about it when you are enjoying what you are doing, but when you are hurt not doing what you wanted, no one cares."

Past one week...

Just to write down and remind myself of what I have done in the past week.

Tuesday - Dinner at Chinatown Mosque Street Kolo Mee and dessert followed by Bak kwa.

Wednesday - Lousy day filled with crazy thoughts that almost drove me crazy

Thursday - work. Mustafa quick shopping before having supper at lau pat sat (sting ray... satay...)

Friday - Breakfast at Book Cafe, Sentosa, Bak Kut Teh as supper, but since I am on my way to achieving a 6pack by my 25th birthday, I only drank 100+ since I was like duper dehydrated after running two days in a row.

Saturday - went to SGH to examine my eye as there's some small oil blot growing on my eyelid, managed to squeeze out the oil and now, it's slightly flatter.

Sunday - Prawn noodles and kaya toast at Tiong Bahru, sun tan, work... and yes, tomorrow i'm having a french presentation which I have completed but not prepared/ memorised yet.

tired tired tired. But one thing, I'm glowing now. hahahah the sun's effects can be seen on me.

Ma présentation française

On this coming Monday, I have to present a 6 minute 'show' in french on a subject that is related to my major department... and also related to France itself.

So... as a sociology major, and a French language student, of course I will choose to embark on the pet topic of Sociology...

HOMOSEXUALITY.

Therefore, the title of my presentation is... "Homosexualité en France" (Homosexuality in France)

And as I was doing up my powerpoint slides, I found some photos that I quite like...

Potato Chips

A little boy wanted to meet God He knew it was a long trip to where God
lived, so he packed his suitcase with a bag of potato chips and a six-
pack of root beer and started his journey.When he had gone about
three blocks, he met an old woman. She was sitting in the park, just
staring at some pigeons. The boy sat down next to her and opened his
suitcase. He was about to take a drink from his root beer when he noticed
that the old lady looked hungry, so he offered her some chips. She
gratefully accepted it and smiled at him. Her smile was so pretty that the boy
wanted to see it again, so he offered her a root beer. Again, she smiled at
him. The boy was delighted! They sat there all afternoon eating and smiling,
but they never said a word.

As twilight approached, the boy realized how tired he was and he got up to
leave; but before he had gone more than a few steps, he turned around,
ran back to the old woman, and gave her a hug. She gave him her biggest
smile ever. When the boy opened the door to his own house a short time
later, his mother was surprised by the look of joy on his face. She asked him,
"What did you do today that made you so happy?" He replied, "I had lunch
with God." But before his mother could respond, he added, "You know what?
She's got the most beautiful smile I've ever seen!"

Meanwhile, the old woman, also radiant with joy, returned to her home. Her
son was stunned by the look of peace on her face and he asked, "Mother,
what did you do today that made you so happy?" She replied! "I ate potato
chips in the park with God." However, before her son responded, she added,
"You know, he's much younger than
I expected."

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a
listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of
which have the potential to turn a life around. People come into our lives
for a reason, a season, or a lifetime! Embrace all equally!

Have lunch with God.......bring chips.


(Though I do not believe in any forms of God or what, I believe in the
sentence in bold.

why some things hurt, and others don't

It's funny how some things that seemed irrelevant and totally unimportant can cause this stirring in the heart. Making it feel heavy, restless and a totally un-welcomed feeling.

Somethings come sooner than expected in ways one never expects. Cope with it, get over it and move on. That's what most do, that's what I try to do. Well, some truth hurts, some of them you want to know but regret knowing after that because it's hard to deal with.

Some truth may change life from the moment on, others they just linger on for a while before being totally forgotten... or well, chucked to the back of somewhere you never want to get in touch with.

Other times, you look back, wonder for a moment how things would be without the knowledge of the truth and well, just wonder.

I have a pop quiz tomorrow for SC3101 and I don't know why I am saying about this. Well, maybe I just got slightly affected by a truth I didn't want to know... one that I need to know.. and yet I don't want to know. Yup.. that's the gist of it.

Classic case of "You want the truth but can you handle the truth?!"

Au revoir.

sometimes there's no need for anything

I always thought that for people who are in a relationship, they should always keep track of what took place when, like the first date, the first time their hands touched each other's, the first time their lips lightly brushed against each other and the list goes on you can imagine.

But sometimes, such things work better without proper documentation, without the conscious attempt to record down to the details. I call that overdoing. Shouldn't it all be based on gut feelings? Shouldn't any form of love be based on feelings since it is in itself, an emotion...? No I am not in love and do not assume that if I am writing about love means I am in love. Does writing about death means I'm dead? crazy people out there assuming things that ain't even true...

Well, after a week (sunday to sunday) and today being the first time I feel the absence of me, I suddenly feel a little empty, wishing that I could be next to me. The old me being next to I telling I that everything will be alright etc. Just to sit next to I silently without probing further...

I do know that the old me is perhaps living a better life now... getting the best out of everything... but at times, I just wish that me could just let go once and be with I. Remember to have dinner me, remember to keep your stomach full and for I will still fight to achieve his lean mean fighting machine, me should not go on a strike... I misses me and wants to say good night to me.

When can I let go of me? When do I want to be independent of me? Sometimes, I get so attached to
me that I cannot imagine living a day without me. But today, I guess I could... at least, most of the time I was just ... I. I guess when time moves on, memories fade, and in the end, we realize that we really do not need anything much. once had... good enough... right?

Of course we get greedy and tend to hold on, but sometimes, the tighter your grip, the faster it escapes. at other times, you kinda let it slip away even without doing anything. life is such a bitch at times. I wonder what I can/ should do.

Hahaha.. there's like tonnes of 'I's and 'me's in this entry... a little confused? nah, don't worry... I am just reflecting on me. :P

Possibly working at Fre(n)sh*

As mentioned earlier, I went for a light dinner.

Since I was at vivocity, I then headed to Fre(n)sh* for a healthy dinner.

Salmon Tartine, a mint tea and a chocolate mousse (Alright, the mousse isn't exactly the healthy part)

Well, during and after the dinner, spoke to the guys there and yes, I may possibly end up working there as a part-timer... :)

Helps brush up my French before I head to Paris. Anyway, channel 5 is showing League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and after a while,I shall change and go for my evening jog.

simplicity

Celebrities with unspoken deeds.. (Just for smiles)

As much as I want to keep this blog simple, with only words... these pictures are quite funny really. :)

i feel alive

In more ways than one, I feel alive.

After living this week, I realized that there are actually more things to do and more places to go in the night after school hours. But somehow, I just stayed at home most of the nights facing my laptop, waiting for something to happen.

Like the previous post, I shall take an active approach and make changes to my life. Active lifestyle, healthier diet, productive lifestyle.

Here I come.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anyway, I have officially completed all the term assignments. Today, the plan is to head back to Orchard library to return the magazines I borrowed for Social Psychology assignment. Head down to vivocity and collect my Islander card and well, get a light dinner...

head back home and yes, go for a night jog again... I want a lean mean fighting machine.

hahahha